I’m mad

Today I'm feeling really mad

In fact, I’ve been feeling this way for the past couple of days. Mad to the point where I feel like I could cry hot angry tears. And I have. I hate it. It’s just not fair. 

Recovering from an eating disorder is hard. Having a eating disorder sucks. Living in a culture that glorifies thinness and perpetuates diet culture sucks. I am trying my hardest here!!! I feel discouraged. And that sucks.

I’m mad that society has got it so warped. Things don’t have to be like this. The diet culture industry, yes industry, makes over 72 BILLION dollars a year. Someone is making a really nice living because of our dissatisfaction with our bodies. 

I’m pissed because part of my recovery includes gaining weight. I got the most compliments on my body when I was at my sickest. People were praising me, asking me how I looked so good. How could I not fall in love with my eating disorder? 

Do you really want to know my secret? How I did it?

My secret is that I was miserable. I was ruining my life. I was distancing myself from my family and friends. I was consumed with thoughts about food, exercising, body image. I was hardly living a life. I wouldn’t wish that on anyone. 

So here I am, trying my hardest and feeling discouraged. I feel like I’m set up for failure because the systems in place around me celebrate thinness. They put an emphasis on things that are so superficial, like the number on the scale, the size of my clothes, the number of calories in foods – labeling some good and others bad. 

Recovery is good. Recovery is important. AND recovery is hard. That’s okay. 

So what am I going to do about it?

That’s a great question. I’ve spent the past few days feeling so overwhelmed and not even knowing where to start to implement any sort of change. I can’t keep doing that so here’s what I’ve decided to do

  • I’m unfollowing any accounts on any social media that go against what I stand for in recovery. That means friends and food bloggers alike. The term ‘skinny queen’ will no longer be anywhere on my feed. I will never ever share a recipe claiming it is ‘healthy’, ‘skinny’, or ‘good for you’. Food nourishes our body. It gives us energy. Food is good – simple as that. 
  • I’m trying my hardest to stick to my meal plan, 3 meals and 2 snacks a day. Even when it is hard. Even when it feels scary. And I’m giving myself grace on days where I just can’t make it happen. 
  • I’m filling my social media feed with accounts that speak truth and promote the ideals I want to live by. If you have any suggestions of some awesome pro-recovery accounts I’d love to hear them.
  • I’m talking about it. The worst thing my eating disorder did was take me away from the people who love me the most. So I’m being honest with my family and my roommates on when things feel hard, not expecting anything other than just having them know where I’m at. 
  • I’m kindly calling out unacceptable behavior. Yep. I’m at a spot right now where I recognize that diet culture thoughts and behaviors are really hard for me to hear and not want to act on them. So I’m going to kindly ask that you not use that around me and explain why. Boundaries are good and healthy!!!
  • I’m going to keep showing up. Showing up to my appointments means showing up for myself. Even when it’s hard. Even when its scary. Therapy, nutrition, psychiatrists, lab work, general doctors. It is important. I am important. My health and well being is worth it. 
  • I’m recognizing that setbacks don’t erase the progress I’ve already made. Everything I know about the goodness and freedom of eating disorder recovery is still true, even when things feel hard. 

This post is more for me than anyone else. I’m actually feeling a little better after getting all my thoughts out. If anyone is reading this, I hope this challenges you to change the way you interact with diet culture. My dream is for the world to be a place where fat phobia doesn’t exist. Where people believe in health at any size. Where people love and honor and nourish their bodies in the ways they need to. 

So today I'm mad. And Sad. And somehow still hopeful.

It’s not always going to be like this. It won’t always feel so hard. I’m doing what I can to work towards recovery. I’m showing up for myself, advocating for myself, believing in myself in ways I never thought were possible. 

It is okay for me to be feeling all these things at once. Things can be hard and still be worth it. 

Things can and will get better. Recovery is good, and hard, and worth it. 

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